The Dark Place

Hi Everyone,

First off, I’d like to thank all of you who have donated to my fundraiser! I can’t believe that within the first 5 days after it went live, you surpassed the $5,000 goal I had set out. You may have already seen that I raised the goal to $10,000. The overwhelming support from all of you has left me speechless and feeling over the moon. I can’t thank you enough, but I’ll keep trying.

Next, I want to share how my dad’s death has shaped me to be the person I am today. This is one of the most personal things I’ve ever written. It’s scary to open up like this, but I feel that it's important for me to reveal my deepest motivation for this journey. 

As I look back, I realize that I shut down and became a loner after dad’s death. I felt so weird being one of the few kids without a dad, so I created my own little corner to hide in. I blocked out a lot of people and lost some good friends along the way. 

You can’t just tell your friends to stop talking about their families. For me it got to the point that even hearing the word “dad” upset me. Even now, the word “dad” feels like a curse word because my dad is no longer here. It’s honestly crazy to me how kids can have two parents around. This idea is so foreign to me and, throughout my childhood, it just made me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. 

Things slowly started to change when mom discovered a support group – the “Tree House” – a few months after dad died. The organizers encouraged us to join, and I gradually began to feel less lonely. I could talk to other kids my own age who went through something similar and understood. I got to be a little more comfortable and was able to make a few friends I still talk to today. 

For several years, we also attended the annual Sarcoma Foundation of America’s Galas in New York City and this allowed me to meet other people whose lives had been devastated by sarcoma. I could finally grasp that I wasn’t as alone as I thought, which gave me a huge sense of comfort and became a turning point for me. 

Eventually, I “graduated” from the Tree House and I did pretty well for a few years. I got to a point where I was able to live my day-to-day life like a more or less “normal” kid. Last summer, however, things took a sharp turn.

I’ve been trying to think of a word to describe the summer of 2023, but all I can think of is “shitshow”. I had just turned 16 in April and was confused and hurting a lot. The pain had come out in spurts throughout my childhood. I would get upset and miss dad every once in a while, but not all the time. Last summer was totally different. Some container inside me broke and everything just spilled out. 

I was in pain every single day as I tried to wrap my mind around never seeing my dad again. Maybe I felt this way because August brought the 10-year anniversary of his death. Or maybe it was because I was finally old enough to understand the concept of death. Whatever the reason, or mix of reasons, I fell into an intense spiral of depression. 

This was so surreal and scary because I would usually have a smile on my face and other people would see me as a happy person. But all of a sudden, I had very little motivation to dry my tears, get out of bed, and to go work at the pool or hang out with my friends. I barely ate or did the things I love. I felt so guilty that dad had died and I had lived. I also felt guilty that I barely knew him. And ultimately, I felt guilty that I was mad at him for dying. 

I was miserable and nothing seemed to change or help me get me out of this dark place. However, I somehow managed to push myself to keep playing soccer and talking to my friends.

Eventually, it was time for varsity soccer tryouts. I put everything I had into them. The 3 treacherous days of tryouts wiped me out mentally and physically, but they were one of the most helpful things over the summer. Making the team became my way out of the hole I had buried myself into.

Soccer and hanging out with my friends haven’t completely relieved my pain, but they have helped a lot. I believe writing this blog and walking the Camino will allow me to experience things that I wouldn’t be able to feel from anything else. 

I hope this walk will help me try to fully grieve the passing of my dad so that when I think of him, it’s only the good things I remember. Walking almost 20 miles a day for 10 days straight will give me time to reflect and remember. Maybe this journey can help me cross over the sadness that I haven’t escaped yet. I don’t know, but I have a feeling that this walk will be one of the hardest, yet most meaningful, things I will do in my life.

Thank you to everyone who has stayed with me and followed along so far. I promise you there is still so much to come and part of me hopes my experience helps someone else.

Until next Sunday!